Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
