If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
