woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
