please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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