idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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