Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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