Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
