i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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