all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
