I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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