I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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