she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
