life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
