I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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