WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
