my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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