I want to have your abortion
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
