It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize