I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
