1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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