new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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