i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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