my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
