My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
