i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
