I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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