My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize