Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
