It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
