i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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