I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
There r osticjed everywhere
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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