I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
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