Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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