I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
