i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
