a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
