everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
