Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
