I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
