I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
