Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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