I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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