i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
