i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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