You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
