My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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