he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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