I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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