Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize