It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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