I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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