I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
