Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Randomize
