i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
