I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
