he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
