if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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