i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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